It just hit me today that I am turning 30 soon (well I have 16 months yet, but IT's coming). That thought, by itself, wasn't all that bad. What threw me off was when, after one thought led to another, I suddenly realized I don't remember being a teenager. It is quite disorienting to feel old and not remember ever feeling young. (Dang, what a bummer: I would trade-in for the arthritis, given the choice.)
It was in this spirit that I rummaged through my files and found the piece attached below. I wrote this when I was in college. I had not seen the movie (starring Angelina Jolie pre-superstardom) but I connected with the title. My epiphany then: If I had doubts I led a boring life, they were all dispelled when I found myself wishing I had a single i-wouldn't-have-done-that-if-i-sober moment. Just one crazy moment I could regret/romanticize/root my angst in/play out in my daydreams. But no, I had none of those. I was Joe Schmoe, your everyman.
Anyway, knowing I had these existential thoughts at 19, the (so-called) prime of my youth, offers some hope. At least I know it is not the specter of the big 3-0 casting all these shadows in my mind. If nothing else, I can take comfort in the thought that if I ride this 'episode' out, I can go back to living my normal "unexamined" life.
Or, at least, until I'm 39.
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A Life Less Ordinary
I'm typical, yet in a lot of ways, not.
I go to school but resist education. I delight in the inner workings of the mind and study how it crumbles in the confines of the classroom. I allow myself to be fed with crap and plan doling it out as a career option.
I am an intellectual and a bum. I immerse myself in book and feed my intellect. I ponder the significance of life and argue its utter hollowness. I watch the evening news and ponder the destiny of the world before switching the channel to MTV.
I hanker for creature comforts but live in fear of my bones brittling from disuse. I am a masochist, pushing myself beyond the limits of endurance. I lounge on the sofa and transport myself to the place of heroes in movies: riding unbridled horses and roaring down the streets unhelmeted in my Harley.
I am adventurous but I lose my daring the face of creatures that lurk in shadows. I savor my brain pounding in my head 'no' before I jump feet-first into whatever it is that tickles the mortal fear in me.
I am as the universe, ever shifting and recasting itself. I invent personas for myself and build my self-image each time. I am illuminated by life and bored to death by it.
Can I trade-in for a life less ordinary?
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5 comments:
Galing! You still have it after 10 years! :) That piece reminded me of how I've always been impressed with your writing.
By the way, I hear you... sometimes I wonder if I was ever a teenager too. No adventurous teenage stories to share. Never will.
hi kaye,
thanks!
well i lost most of my pre-1998 writing from a hard drive crash. I had to type up whatever else I found from hardcopy. Not fun but necessary if I am to preserve them.
anyway, sad naman ng teenage years natin.... di ba tayo na-inspire ng beverly hills 90210 enough? (or did we watch too much tv) =)
Man am I glad I don't have access anymore to the stuff I wrote when I was 19 ...
Galing! Your writing talent has always shone through, even in our otherwise boring word processing exercises in computer class. :)
My main question would have to be - why would you want to remember being a teenager? It was such an awkward, uncomfortable, and confusing era for me. I am wondering if it's still possible to find and burn all the pictures of myself from those years. Bleah.
hey hubert-
what's wrong abt the things you wrote when you were 19? =)
hi Fannie -
thanks! ;-P honestly though (im not fishing), i think i've gotten rusty with age.
i had a lot of angst as a teenager too - argh dont get me started (pimples, fitting in, etc) but i remember it being a fairly uncomplicated time. though to your point, i watch these young adult tv shows and it's amazing how complicated 'kids' make their lives out to be.
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